Monday, July 26, 2010

Illicit Conversations

I had a meeting for work today, only it wasn't really a meeting. The whole team--nine interns, two directors--met up to casually interview the head of OIT (Office of Information Technology). We had previously sent in questions, and one of the directors was going to ask them all--it was our responsibility to take notes on the subjects we were interested in. Cool. I say all this just to justify my soon-to-be-apparent actions.

So, I was in said meeting, bored out of my mind, soon realizing my questions would be at the very end. I had my computer out, so I casually logged onto Facebook, expecting to simply waste time. But then Laura logged on. And it all went downhill. She told me a lovely story about telling some guy they should make cute babies together.
(Whoa, that sounds dirty.)
But it was a hilarious story, and I had to swallow a giggle. Remember, I am in a very solemn assembly of 12 people all focused in on technobabble that I could not understand; I was pretending to take notes, and laughing was not an option. And things just got worse.
Shelby: Who is this man?
Laura: He's not a man, he's a six year old boy.
And I about died. I seriously started shaking from laughter buried deep within me, just rising up into my throat, desperate to get out. But I couldn't let it out. I just covered my mouth and painfully choked on my laugh. And it continues.
Laura: Just kidding. He's 15. I'm so funny. 
Shelby: you know when you have a laugh
that NEEDS to get out but you can't let it?
So you hold your breath?
Laura: yes indedd. then I faint.
Shelby: ya. that just happened.
Laura: and everything is so much funnier
when you're not allowed to laugh. 
haha except he's not 6
but that's why it's funny
ah! I am so silly right now.
And I tried to log off, because my chest hurt from suppressed laughter and my neighbors were starting to look at my shaking self strangely. So I told Laura I was getting off. About...3 seconds later, I was back on, unable to avoid temptation. And this is what I came back to.
Laura: I just said that out loud
"I'm so silly right now" and sophie looked at me
It was great
And I nearly laughed out loud, picturing Laura, talking to herself, her blond hair bouncing a little as she bobbled her head in excitement. Like a little puppy.
Shelby: I'm going to have a giggle fit
Laura: Ha! Those are the best. I get them at work
and then customers look at me funny.
Then I say "don't judge me"
Shelby: I talk out loud when I chat online too. 
Except not right now, because then people
would think I'm INSANE
Laura: Haha do it!
Just start whispering under your breathe
I was about to throw up, not laughing was so hard. 
Shelby: Stop. making. me. laugh
Laura: you should say "stop. making. me. laugh." out loud.
Twould be hilarious
Shelby: Did you mean to say twould?
Laura: yes I did. Like "twas the night before
christmas" but more like "twould you care to dance?"
And here's where it got morbid.
Shelby: I just told myself to think of dead puppies 
to keep myself from laughing
Laura: hahahahaha that just made me do a deep giggle
dead puppies being bunted over a fence.
hahaha that's terrible. then the thought
of Sophie being bunted over a fence made me cry.
Shelby: laura you are going to be the death of me
I keep wanting to laugh--over dead puppies!
Laura: you should just laugh, and then it'll go quiet
and awkward and everyone will look at you, and it twill be like the movies.
yest. twil. twill. 
Shelby: twon't. I have to go. I can't do it.
For real. tbye
Oh, man, even writing this, I just want to laugh and laugh and laugh. In that meeting, not laughing physically hurt. Tears came to my eyes; my body was screaming at me, shouting to just let it out, release the tension, and just LOL. But I (mostly) kept myself under control. Aside from the tears and the inexplicable shuddering, I behaved normally. I think some of them--the ones I was sitting by, and none of the adults--knew I was dying from laughter. They found my pain humorous. Then again, so did I. It was probably the best work meeting I've ever had. 

Oh, Laura.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Would You Like Rice With That?

MELISSA and I went to Taco Bell the other day. First, Melissa got lost and I suffered from heat exhaustion which affected us both because I started singing Taylor Swift songs in different accents and at higher pitches than Melissa thought humanly possible.
With me, any noise is possible. 

We pull into this middle-of-nowhere Taco Bell, mostly to get Melissa some sauce packets to send to Albania. But, since we're there, we figure we'll order two bean burritos. No big deal, right? Five minutes later, the girl comes back and says, "Sorry, we're out of beans--do you want to substitute rice?" Um. What? Taco Bell...out of beans?

Melissa asks for a soft taco instead; I dare to try a rice burrito--which the lady assures me is "actually good." So I guess they've run out of beans before.

For the next five minutes, we exasperatedly wait, laughing as they take orders then announce they are out of beans--would they like rice with that? Some people, of course, walked out; most had to have the news repeated because it is hard to believe that a mexican restaurant--with every menu item depending on beans--has no beans. And then they were just ridiculously slow. They were all little high school students, laughing at the dilemma, forgetting we were there. Still waiting. For a burrito with no beans.

Probably half an hour later, they bring our order to us--how nice. And, no, a bean burrito without beans is not good. Melissa swallowed her taco whole; I choked down way too much rice. And then we were out of there, still laughing and just a tinge insulted by the lack of beans in our diet.

I made up for it by eating 12 Reeses on the way home.

Friday, July 2, 2010

That's Hilarious

ONE of my favorite things to do is listen in on people's phone calls. Not in a creepy, glean-information-so-I-can-kill-you way, but just in passing.
Walking around campus takes awhile; 
you take entertainment and distraction where you can get it.

And it's just funny to listen to one-sided, out-of-context comments. People say some really random, stupid things. It all makes you wonder--and often infer--what their conversation is about, what the other person is saying, and why the crap they're saying it.
I think I sound like a real stalker. 
I'm not. 
Really, it's just in passing.

The other day, tiredly shuffling off to class, I turned down the wrong hall. So I sighed exasperatedly, wishing I could just skip class, obviously too tired to make it there safely. But then I passed this kid on the phone, and it made me smile. 

I heard him said something like, "Oh, ya? I can't believe that."
And then, "That's hilarious."

Totally deadpans it. No, humor, no laughing voice, no laughing period. Just, "That's hilarious. Think of the driest, least sincere, bored voice you can--and then say that. And it wasn't sarcasm. 
As  a sarcasm-addict, I am rather apt at picking up on sarcastic people. 
They are my friends. 

I don't know why it was so funny. Maybe because he was talking about something "hilarious" without even a hint of amusement. It should have been sarcasm. It should have been a conversation between me and my little sister:

"I went to see Eclipse."
"Oh, ya? I can't believe that."
"But Edward was hot."
"That's hilarious."
Bad example--I would have definitely laughed,
not happily, but incredulously.

If this guy had just had any sort of emotion, it wouldn't have been funny. I would have walked past him without snorting and thus covering it up by pretending to cough. 
People just don't like you listening in on their conversations. 
I can't imagine why. 
It's not like anyone judges them. 

That's hilarious.