Wednesday, July 29, 2009

There's Something Rotten On My Thigh

I have a massive bruise on my upper thigh. And it just gets bigger and bigger. Right now, it's about the size of a doorknob. It was blue. then it turned purple in the middle. The rim turned yellow. Then there was a bit of green. Now it just looks like my thigh is dying. Maybe it is. Because I have no idea how I got such a bruise. It's almost like someone did punch me with a doorknob. But I don't remember anyone doing that. ...Maybe I really do bother my roommates.

BUT I thought the best thing to do in this situation is to photograph the grossness and post them here, for all the world to see. Because it's pretty sick. In the awesome way.

This is it at first. Blue, through and through.

and now....


SO, basically, I just thought I'd share that with you. Sick, huh?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Serenaded by Parachutes who Shot the Moon in SIngle File fashion

THE concert was awesome. Seriously, you just gotta give it up for alternative music because, their style, you have to sing live. So they are awesome for real. Unlike sugarcoated pop singers who are computer generated. But I loved every band. All the songs were awesome and they made me so happy to be alive.

WHILE Amanda went for Secondhand Serenade, I totally went for Parachute. Good reason too. For, not only are they amazing--period--but they are super, fantastically HOT. Will Anderson is an Elijah Wood look-a-like, with the same goofy smile that brings on the rush of a million melting hearts. Here's him serenading us with the well-known Parachute song, She is Love:

BASICALLY you had to be there. Cuz it's sexy. But because I love and/or pity you, I will put pictures so you can live vicariously through my coolness and/or be jealous.

this is Amanda and I....

here is Sara, Elly, and my face...

here is Will looking hot,
as usual...

you jealous yet?

and here's the band. Ya, they have a sax player. How cool is that???!!

IT was totally awesome. All the bands rocked my socks off and it was totally fun. Really, the only downer about it is that Amanda--yes, the one who went for Serenade--got to freakin' meet Parachute! ANGER & JEALOUSY!!!!!

BUT other than that I am very happy and those people rock my socks off. I can only hope that, one day, I will have a boyfriend as hot as Will with a voice just as amazing. Yay.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


I met my soulmate today.


SEE it was about three in the afternoon and I was doing my laundry and Sara's all "Hey, come to the creamery with me." I didn't want to. Because I didn't have any money left (because I bought a broom). But she pressed and pressed till I was all "Fine." And we go.

IT was a day mostly like any other. Except the clouds were heavier than usual. And campus was strangely empty. But, that aside, nothing that had happened had ever hinted that today I would find THE one.

WE walk in the store, she gets flour and trash bags. And then, randomly, I decide I want to buy a Fuze. I had two dollars on my card and I wasn't sure if it would be enough. But I just felt like I should get a Fuze. A strawberry melon fuze. Who knew it would be that Fuze that would bring my lover and I together?

I'M standing there in line, talking to Sara, waiting for the register to be open. And then, as magically as if I were in a feature film, the most beautiful of all men looks over the register, straight into my soul and says "I can help whoever's next." I walked over there in a daze. Luckily I looked hot--I was wearing my poppin-the-collar shirt and I was showered and beautified. So I gave him my dazzling smile--and my Fuze. He smiled, asked me how I was doing today. Absolutely fantastic. He took my card. He smiled. I smiled. Then, of all things wonderful, he handed me my Fuze and my card and our fingers touched. We both looked straight at each other--through each other, into each other. I saw into his very soul.

WE had a moment. It was pure magic.

Friday, July 24, 2009

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Bed

FOR those of you unaware of the obvious, I am a very hyper person. My emotions are extreme and, so, when 11 o'clock rolls around and I'm happy, I'm hyper. Amanda and I started leg wrestling in the kitchen. (She failed miserably.) But we were loud so we go out into the lobbey--she also seemed to think being on carpet would help her out. (it didn't. She failed even more miserably.) But we were laughing hysterically. I don't even know why. But it was funny. Then she left for home so I was sitting in the kitchen with Sara, Elly, and our neighbor, Janelle. Earlier they had decided we should have a quote wall. (For those not-white-trashians, a quote wall is where people write down funny things people have said--inside jokes--and post them to the kitchen wall. Ya.) So they were pen-happy, writing down nonsensical things I would say--because they knew I hated the quote wall the most. So, now, if you were to come into my kitchen, you would be able to see the randomness of Shelby. Such as....

The Pick-up lines:
Janelle: Is your name faith...because you...could move mountains.
Shelby: Is that a fat joke?

Kiera Knightley, complete with pouty lips and british accent:
Uhh...I don't have any breasts.

AND it goes on. Stupid quote walls. But at least I was laughing, still hyper. Then we saw a mouse run across our window. Which was disturbing. And some bees were mating in front of us as well. Which was also very disturbing.

WE then decided to make cookie dough, cuz, hello, what's better late at night than cookie dough? And because I was hyper, I made them watch the Penelope kiss. Five times in a row. It never gets old. That kiss is pure magic. My heart just melts and melts and melts and I smile and smile and smile. Man, it's good. But that made us in a movie mood. So we decide to watch Kate & Leopold and we're getting all situated and I look at the clock and--BAM!--it's 1:30 AM. Say WHA? I was so hyper it felt like nine. Or ten. Or something that is not AM. So we're eating cookie dough, half-baked cookies, and we're watching this movie. But Sara's lover boy comes up to the window and sweeps her away to the crab trees. (Yes, that's what she said.)

OH, no worries. I called her every half hour to remind her that A) Integrity ended at midnight and B) that she was still alive and C) that she remembered all the self defense I had taught her. Turns out she needed it because she was attacked by a rabid dog. Still, back to me.

THAT movie is freakishly long for something that supposedly takes place over five days or something. Cute, but long. It was 3 when we finished. And I still felt wide awake. And, yes, Sara was still gone. Dirty, I know. But everyone went to bed--I still wrote in my diary and read my scriptures. Then I couldn't fall asleep till four because I was so freakishly wide awake. And I had the strangest sensation of spiders crawling all across me. Gross. Anyways, I didn't wake up till 11:30. A new record. So that's cool. Also cool: I think i met my soulmate at the groery store. He is probably the sexiest cashier ever. We had a moment together. He smiled, I smiled, our fingers touched.

JUST thought I'd share that with you. Plus my realization: it sure is hard to get to bed at a normal time in college.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Tater Tots & Bumblebees

MOSTLY I thought I was going to die last night I was laughing so hard. Have you ever found a bumblebee in you blanket and started screaming so hysterically the neighbors came running? Or had leftover tater tots so, of course, you decide to throw them at--well, for the sake of anonymity, we will not name the victim. Anyways, you probably haven't. Because most normal people do not. But since when have I--or any college students for that matter--been considered normal?

THE story?

ONCE upon a time, I was showing my roomies some family pictures because I was homesick (Oh, sad.) and then Sara screams "Omigosh--what is THAT??!!!" And there's a bee crawling across her blanket. She runs out of there like death was on her heels, leaving poor Amanda and me in the room with the devil. We throw ourselves into each other arms, screaming and laughing at our own patheticism. Finally we darted out of the room, falling into the hallway, still screaming. Sara brings this huge cup to catch it with. Ya, that would go well. Luckily, she was too scared to try. And we were all just standing there shrieking. Our neighbor knocks, wondering who was dying. The RA runs out of her room, sure someone had been killed. Elly laughs at us. Then the RA can't find the bee. So we scream louder, crying because we're laughing. It hurt. Finally, our hero kills it and cleans it up and we still just sit in the hall, crying from laughter and laughing from screaming. Our blood was pumping and our adrenaline was screaming so we all became very hyper and our loads of homework was forgotten. Instead we went for a walk and became even more hyper so we came back. I stuffed a whole muffin in my mouth as I usually do and we started singing Taylor Swift as we usually do. Then we see the gross, slimy leftover tater tots. So of course the night's not over yet.

SEE, there's this guy. He's like a running joke in our apartment. We love to hate on him--in a nice, nonaggressive way. He'd been bothering us lately, so we decided to throw the tater tots at his window. It's like 11:30 and we sneak outside, stifling our laughter rather unsuccessfully. Amanda was the only one with enough control to actually manage to throw them. So Sara and I are by the dumpsters, laughing so hard I thought I was going to keel over and die. Amanda was just over there, under the window, throwing as if her life depended on it. She was way into it. And then some guy walked out and we thought it was him and all we could do was laugh. But it wasn't. But then an RA came around the corner as Amanda threw the last one. It was close. But she didn't notice. And besides, it's not like it's against the law to throw tater tots.

I seriously have never laughed so hard. It was probably the funniest night of my life. Too bad we didn't document it. I would have loved to have Amanda's serious face as she threw those tots on film. Ah, funny.

...I'm gonna miss them.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Poor Othello

HAVE you ever read Othello by William Shakespeare? Truly, it is one of the saddest plays ever. Not even Romeo and Juliet can hold anything against the Moor Othello. (Note: Romeo and Juliet isn't even sad or sappy. It's just stupid.) For those of you not cool enough to know about Othello, here's the basic gist.

ONCE upon a time, the black Moor, Othello, elopes with Desdemona. She's perfect. They're in love. But Iago can't take that. Pure evil, he's out to get anyone who breathes. With no particular reason, he hates everyone and takes it on himself to drive Othello mad. Which he succeeds in doing with little more than a handkerchief and a rumor that Desdemona had cheated on him. And Othello, self-conscious about his skin color, goes completely insane, berating his poor, innocent wife and eventually smothering her to death. When he realizes what a monster he's been--trusting Iago more than his own wife--he kills himself and the play ends.

YES, I'm serious. And at first I hated it. A lot. But, mostly, I was unnerved by the fact that it had actually moved me. When he realized he had killed his wife for nothing, I almost cried. Just almost, but still, that's almost. I felt like I shouldn't pity him--he had been a retard; he had believed the slimy Iago. But Shakespeare is a genius. He makes us feel. I mean, this play was about a guy who goes crazy and kills his wife. But Shakespeare is so freakin' awesome he makes a story relatable and wonderful and amazing and emotional. I loved it. I love feeling sad. Weird, but true. It's cool to be emotional over something that doesn't even concern me.

ANYWHO I just thought I'd share that with you. It's a great play. Classic tragedy. And Iago might be the most malicious, evil, terrible villain in the history of literature. So, read it. It'll be good to do. A What Not To Do guide

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Oh, College

ONCE upon a time, very, very early in the morning, my dormmate decided it would be cool to talk on the phone for an hour with her BF. Ya, that's cool. Really, the only problem was her roommate was asleep so, being the kindhearted person she is, she decided to come into my room instead of disturbing the slumberer. No matter that my roommate was asleep or that I was sitting, waiting for my bed to be available. She just talked and talked and talked. In the loudest voice ever. It was hilarious, really. My sides were splitting.

REALLY, I did start laughing once my roommate woke up. It was one in the morning and she shoots up in her bed. By now, Amanda (yes, that is the chatty one) was off the phone and instead talking to me--under the delusion, I suppose, that since I am so hyper at night I'd be super hyper in the morning. Well, Sara (that's the one woken from her slumber), she's just blinking groggily. We giddily laugh at her; Amanda asked if she woke her up (duh, Amanda, duh). But Sara just stares straight ahead, blinks, and looks away. So we ask again. She starts talking incoherently. We ask if she is still asleep. She makes a noncommittal grunt, sits up straighter, picks up her alarm clock to look at the time. We ask if she's tired. She stares again. Then bursts into giggles. We all laugh hysterically. Sara asks why the light is on. We ask if she's going to remember this in the morning. She lies back down and pulls the blanket over her head.

AMANDA, the dear, finally said she was going to bed. She left her shoes in my room. I crawled into bed, turning my alarm off because there was no way I was going to get up at 8. (Don't worry, mom. I didn't have a class.)

I think I had dreams about Amanda and broken cell phones. But I was too tired to notice. Oh, roommates. Wonderful, wonderful roommates!

ACTUALLY they are pretty sweet. And they do make me laugh. Even at 2 in the morning. ...Or perhaps especially at 2 in the morning.

AND, so, to enact my revenge, here is where I shall post my expose of Miss "I talk on the phone a lot" Amanda.

How can you be mad at this face??!
I love you, 'manda!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


This is me. Love it--i do. :)

SO, mostly, my name is Shelby. I like spicy food. I'd take an enchilada over a steak any day of the week. My biggest dream in life is to see my name in print; walk into a bookstore and see my book, my name right there. That would be epic. I'm a freshmen in college. Never thought that would happen. Nothing can make me smile more than blonde jokes. Except maybe clothes. I love shopping. There's something magical about crying. I love sad movies, books, stories, songs. I want a little girl with red hair and soft eyes. My future husband better be hot. My alarm gives me anxiety attacks--it might be the worst sound in the world. I roll my tongue in a major mating call. You'd be surprised how many guys answer. This is the fourth blog I've started. Wish me better luck, then. I'm working on a book that I think is way good. And, yes, I'm allowed to say that. Or I should be. I dream in words, not pictures. It's rare to have a dream with me or other people I know in it. My dreams are movies, not reality. I think rainbows are overrated. Rain smells good but I'd rather have sunshine. I eat too much. Words are fun to say. Right now my favorite is belladonna. It's a deadly drug. I think. Hot dogs are disgusting but, sometimes, I crave them. I talk a lot. When a silence comes around, I usually say something random just to end it. I am very random. Movies rock my world. I love musical. I love art. Period. I'm even glad I don't dance or act or sing, because then I can enjoy the performance instead of being the performer. I believe in magic. And fairies. Books are the reason I breathe. I want to live in Virginia. Or at least not Utah. I always thought I'd marry a dentist. Maybe five kids, maybe three. Maybe I should get a boyfriend and/or husband before I think about this. Maybe I should wait a few years. Guys make me smile. I like being checked out. Sports are hard for me to enjoy. I love shoes, hate wearing them. Pop culture sometimes kills my favorites for me. I still haven't been to a midnight showing. I think I want to go to Egypt. NYC is my dreamland. Walt Disney is my hero. I want to grow up to be someone's hero. There's something exciting about being poor. I wouldn't turn back the clock on anything. Except maybe a fight I got too involved in. That's an embarrassing story. I wish people would be nicer to each other. Or at least honest. Fake nice is the worst thing ever. I'm taking self defense and I know how to break your wrist and properly gouge your eye. If you didn't notice, I'm random.

THIS is supposed to be a place for me to be me. ...but I'm pretty much me all the time. Ask my roommates. So, this is me sharing me with the world. And, hey, look at that: my name is in print.
Shelby. Shelby. Shelby.

THAT does feel good.